Weekly Spark #58: Transactional vs. Transformational Relationships
An actionable message of reflection to start your week
How can you overcome the largely transactional nature of our world? Short answer: you can’t. It’s all around us. The emphasis on short-term gratification rather than long-term satisfaction has transcended itself into relationships. Now this is nothing new, but I have to think technology, smart phones, and social media have only exacerbated the issue. While you can’t overcome the issue, there is a lot that you can do to create transformational interactions. This Weekly Spark was inspired by multiple conversations that I had this week on the subject, and something that I have been reflecting on for a while.
When you think of people who build transactional relationships, what comes to your mind? Someone who says I give you 10 minutes of my time, you give me 10 minutes of your time? Or someone who merely sees dollar signs on people’s foreheads, and once they get their “business,” they end the conversation? Someone who aborts the relationship once they realize the person can’t do anything for them? Or maybe someone who is focused solely on what they can get from you, rather than what they can give to you? Citing the definition of transact, which is to conduct or carry out (business), these all seem like applicable examples. The premise of transactional relationships is that people are seen merely as means to an end, and once (if) that end has been achieved, there’s nothing left to build relationship wise, until next time of course. Not a great way to do business or life.
When you think of people who build transformational relationships, what comes to your mind? Someone who is willing to give up their time to focus on your development and to make you better? Someone who views you as a human being first, and someone to build an intentional and genuine relationship with, rather than just the checkbook you have in your pocket to do business with? Someone who brings out the best in you, inspires you, and motivates you to be a better person? Someone who views you as a human coworker rather than a robotic coworker? Citing the definition of transform, which is to make a thorough change in the form, appearance, or character of, these all seem like applicable examples. The happiest people that I have ever met or studied make this their MO. They know that life is all about the people. And while success is not the reason why they treat people as such, they have gone on to become FAR more successful by any definition of the word than their transactional counterparts.
So what does this really look like in real life? In one word: HUMANIZE other people. They are not robots. They are not objects. They are not merely means to an end. That’s a a crucial foundation for transformational interactions, and with that foundation, so much more can be done in life. It looks like focusing on the relationship with someone first, and getting to know them genuinely, rather than seeing exclusively what you can get/extract from them.
However, no matter what happens, transactional people will always be around. It’s just as important to know when to focus on being transformational and a giver. You can’t aim to be that way with everyone you meet. Yes, you can and absolutely should humanize them. But there’s a fine line between being “oh Mr. Nice Guy/Girl” and getting walked all over. At some point, you will meet people who are exclusively transactional, looking to skim everything out of you that they possibly can. Adam Grant calls those people “takers.” If you aim to be a “selfless” “people-pleaser” when dealing with one, you will enable them to walk all over you. Plain and simple. It’s important to be civil and respectful, but keep the end goal in mind and protect yourself. If it means being a little less nice and generous than you would be with someone who you have mutual trust and a transformational relationship with, so be it. Personally, when I’m dealing with people in that category, and I can sniff them out quite easily, I tend to conserve my generosity and investment in them, in order to protect my well-being and own interests.
If you focus on transforming, rather than transacting, your life will change and so will the lives of those around you. It starts by humanizing people, and recognizing that they are human beings with thoughts, feelings, emotions, insecurities, and baggage just like the rest of us. This is a subject that I feel very strongly about and one that I have particularly taken note of while working professionally in the virtual world. I don’t have all the answers, just food for thought and some reflection questions below:
How can you focus on being more transformational rather than transactional in your interactions?
What does it mean to you to humanize other people?
How can you humanize other people, rather than treating them merely as a machine to transact with?
How can you adapt your style when dealing with transactional people so that you don’t get walked all over?
To be continued…
Mental Diet
Podcast of the Week: Masters of Scale with Reid Hoffman- Secrets to Keeping Your Best Employees
In the podcast, Reid Hoffman, founder of LinkedIn and partner at Greylock, shares insights and stories with other guests and business leaders about creating a positive work atmosphere. While the stories are centered around employees, the concepts can be applied in many life scenarios outside of work. Some notes I took:
Be utterly and sometimes uncomfortably authentic - purposeful authenticity, don’t need to surrender privacy to lead effectively, actively connect in a meaningful way with your team
Show your team trust by giving them space - give your team the benefit of the doubt, evaluate performance off of actual data not what you fear/think happened, tell people where to go not what to do, resist micromanaging
Throw a party - celebrations fuel optimism, creativity, and execution, can’t put a dollar value on the informal festivities that built genuine relationships —> find reasons to celebrate, want to make sure the incentives make employees feel like a more integrated part of the team
Invest in your team’s wellness in a REAL way - the pandemic revealed the great need to restore work life balance, create clear boundaries, physical and mental wellness programs aren’t only perks but investments,
Invest today in tomorrow’s team leaders - personal and professional development, embrace and create leadership opportunities
Book of the Week: Masters of Scale: Surprising Truths From the World’s Most Successful Entrepreneurs by Reid Hoffman
A great business book. Comprehensive with lots of inspiring stories on how different businesses came to be with insights from their founders.
Quote of the Week:
”The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.” - Samuel Johnson
I hope you enjoyed reading as much as I enjoyed writing. As always, I welcome any thoughts, comments, or feedback. If you found this Weekly Spark beneficial or thought-provoking, please share with a friend and encourage them to sign up, or send me their email and I will gladly add them to the recipient list. Lastly, if I can help you in any way, whether it’s with my knowledge, connections, or resources, please reach out. Let’s stay positive and make it a great week for everyone around us!
Nathan