Weekly Spark #229: Understanding the Ben Franklin Effect

“He that hath once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another than he whom you yourself have obliged.” I understood about 75% of that and think I hath a good understanding of what Ben Franklin was saying, but let’s translate to today’s terms. As Meg Jay outlined in “The Defining Decade,” social psychologists describe the Ben Franklin Effect as the phenomenon that when we do something nice for someone, we tend to like someone even more afterward. Intuitively it makes sense, and perhaps we have even felt it in multiple scenarios in our lives, but we can break it down even further to better understand its role in our lives. Interestingly enough, Meg Jay used the Ben Franklin Effect as a conduit to discussing weak ties, asking people for specific favors, and how we can capitalize on relationships to bring us advantages throughout life. I interpreted it slightly differently and instead wanted to expand on the ramifications of performing/receiving “deeds” (which can simply mean being kind) to others and how those dynamics play out in different situations. I believe that this knowledge arms us to be more emotionally intelligent and aware of different interpersonal dynamics.

First, you are going to find yourself in tons of situations to do kind deeds for other people. Naturally, you’ll probably take the opportunity to perform them as they arise. As you do so, it will make you like the other person more. That’s just a fact. Whether it’s a stranger on the street that you hold the door for, someone that you mentor, or a loved one who you get a gift for/spend quality time with, it will deepen your affinity for that person. Whether transient or sustaining, this affinity that you feel as a result of doing kind deeds for someone can swing both positively and negatively for you. If you find the right people in healthy relationships and friendships, you naturally want to do nice things for them because you care about them, so it becomes a virtuous self-fulfilling prophecy. That only has positive effects on your mental health, so long as you aren’t stretching yourself too thin trying to do kind things for people you love; you can’t pour from an empty cup. On the other hand, imagine that you find yourself in a situation where there is someone that you like but perhaps it isn’t mutual, you may find yourself doing nice things for them as a mechanism of doubling down, which will only make your emotions stronger. This could lead you to an emotionally challenging circumstance, so you do have to be judicious in how you dole out your kindness, understanding how it will affect your own emotional wellbeing.

Secondly, you will also find yourself in plenty of scenarios to receive kindness from others. Understand that as you find yourself in these situations, the opposite effect will occur and the giver may start to like you more. After reading up a bit more on the effect, I sensed that some of the encouragement was that if you are nice to people and put yourself in a situation for others to do nice things for you, you may be able to nudge them into liking you. Imagine you find a potential romantic partner and you deliberately put yourself in a position for them to do something nice for you, maybe they will start to develop stronger affinity for you. I could certainly see how this is the case, but it does feel pretty manipulative to me, so if you’re being sincere and genuine, these things play out naturally as a result of you merely being good to other people. On the other hand, if you don’t want someone to like you, you can attempt to block them from doing nice things for you, but I don’t know what that actually looks like in practice. Lol.

Third, you may have the opportunity to go out of your way to do something nice for someone, but deliberately choose not to, so that you don’t accrue the affinity discussed above. These are nuanced scenarios and I certainly don’t advocate for not being true to yourself, but there could be times when it may make sense. It’s easiest to use the hypotheticals of romantic relationships. Imagine you meet someone of interest but you only have one night and due to circumstances, you know it would be fleeting and there is not a scenario where you would be able to build a healthy relationship. Maybe you’re from Iraq and they’re from New Zealand, neither party can move, nor afford the 20+ hour flights. I specifically make these scenarios very out there as an exercise of thought. Should you go out of your way to do something kind and engage or should you just carry on about your business and perhaps look the other way? Some would say YOLO and do whatever they wanted that night, unbothered by the ramifications down the line. Personally, in order to protect emotions and preserve mental health, I would advocate for looking the other direction and not allowing yourself to generate those feelings, knowing the challenges that it could bring. It’s very interesting to think about, but you want to be tactful about where you dole out your kindness so that you are putting yourself in emotionally healthy positions in the long run. If you sense that you could put yourself in a position that isn’t healthy for you, you have to protect yourself first and foremost.

Fourth, at some point you will be on the receiving end of someone else deliberately not performing kind deeds for you. As outlined in the scenario above, that may be one reason why. You might see someone being cold to you, deliberately being rude to you, when you know deep down that’s not how they truly feel, and perhaps you think they might even like you. Other than indicating that they’re emotionally immature and clearly have things to work through, their wall is a sign that they’re trying to block themselves from accruing those feelings. In a way, good on them for protecting themselves, but doing so in such a dishonest (to the self) and immature way will only cause damage in the long run. Other than missing out on great opportunities, you rob yourself of potentially joyous situations that may never arise again. You see this moreso in people with stunted emotional intelligence, but I also may be giving them far more credit than they deserve to believe that they understand this intricate dynamic and are doing so intentionally; perhaps they’re just emotionally numb or have internal walls that are preventing them from being true to themselves. Either way it’s unfortunate, but if you find yourself on the receiving end of this dynamic, understand that it’s probably not you and it’s probably just that you’re dealing with someone who has unprocessed baggage and is emotionally immature. That could be a nudge that they’re not the right person for you anyway.

Ben Franklin was certainly onto something. I have found myself in all 4 scenarios described above and can say that the effect is strong. In summary, finding people that you enjoy and doing nice things for them can help build stronger friendships. Don’t be afraid to be the recipient of kindness from others; perhaps they like you, which is a testament to who you are as a person. While being true to yourself and honest with yourself, protect yourself when you have to and recognize when others may be doing the same.

Mental Diet

Quote of the Week:

“He that hath once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another than he whom you yourself have obliged.” - Ben Franklin

I hope you enjoyed reading as much as I enjoyed writing. If you are enjoying The Weekly Spark, please share with a friend, family member, or coworker who you think might benefit. If you have thoughts, comments, or feedback, please reply to this email and share them; I’d love to hear from you! Until next time… Take care of yourself and take care of each other. 🙏

Nathan