Weekly Spark #222: Increasing Emotional Intelligence
What is one thing that prevents the good from being great? Discipline? Absolutely. Direction? 100%. How about emotional intelligence? In today’s day and age, more than ever, emotional intelligence (EQ) is one of the most important and misunderstood skills that anyone can possess. If you’re anything like me prior to having a better understanding of what it actually is, you might fall into the trap of “I can read people well; I’m emotionally intelligent!” Not so fast. It’s much more complex and nuanced than that. The good news is that it’s a topic of conversation right now, and it’s not just a fad; it’s here to stay. While some of it is innate and much of it is learned from good parenting, the most successful people and best leaders will continue to train and hone this skill, recognizing its importance in daily life.
What is emotional intelligence? Simply put, it’s the ability to manage your emotions and understand the emotions of others around you; it’s how we reason with and about our feelings/emotions and those of others. An important component of those who are emotionally intelligent is balance. Growing emotional intelligence can prevent the perils on both ends of the spectrum: getting lost in empathy where it intrudes on your own health and well-being or “venting” and rambling about your feelings with no strategies or solutions. Neither are productive nor exemplary of emotionally intelligent beings.
In my search to learn more about emotional intelligence, I came across a podcast with Dr. Andrew Huberman and Dr. Mark Brackett, founding Director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence. In the podcast, they shared some notes to help us better understand the nebulous term of EQ, while offering a few actionable frameworks and suggestions for increasing our skill. Of course, these frameworks are even more important due to our increasing reliance on texting and online communication, both of which erode emotional intelligence and our ability to communicate verbally elsewhere, for the vast majority of people. I linked the podcast in the Mental Diet while sharing a few of my main takeaways below.
RULER - Dr. Brackett developed this framework to better summarize the five skills of emotional intelligence.
Recognize
Understand - What does this feel like? Why is this feeling present?
Label - Use as precise as possible of words when labeling emotions. For example, when people ask “how are you doing?” refrain from the tempting and dismissive “good” or “bad” and encourage the same in others; an important part of emotional intelligence is being able to reason and understand the breadth and depth of emotions
Express - Know how and when to express emotions
Regulate
Give people and yourself permission to feel - In our institutions today, only 30% of people feel that they have permission to feel and express their feelings. For the 70% who don’t that means they’re likely suppressing their feelings. By suppressing emotions, they are likely to go unaddressed. As they are bottled up over time, they’ll manifest themselves in times and locations that we least expect, which can be detrimental to us and those around us. Give people permission to feel. Approach them in a non-judgmental way with empathy and compassion, while listening actively to things that they share. It’s the greatest gift you could give to people who truly need it. At the same time, make sure you give yourself permission and space to feel; whether it’s journaling (one of the healthiest practices that I always advocate for) or slowing down the pace of your life so that you can process emotions, approach yourself with the same non-judgmental, compassionate way and process accordingly.
Envy is the root of all evil - You ever come across someone chasing wind? That’s someone chasing happiness; they’re trained to think “I’ll be happy when.” Problem is, they never get there. It’s impossible. With this outlook, they’re generally envious of others; someone always has more and someone will always have that next thing that is the “when” for them. It’s a slippery slope and results in a lot of insecurity, manifesting itself negatively in relationships. Contentment is the opposite, and far better goal than being “happy.” It’s feeling great as you are, complete as you are. You have enough. You are enough. You have imperfections, failures, and less than others, but guess what? So does everyone else. You find peace in that, not envy. You find comfort and solace in that, not insecurity. You drop the rope and reliance on other people’s opinions of you because they don’t matter and they don’t affect your self-esteem. People who are truly content are rare, but it’s something that we can always strive for.
Mental Diet
The holiday season is always a great opportunity and excuse to reach out to people. This week I encourage you to reach out to people who you are grateful for. It could be people you talk to frequently, or people you only talk to on birthdays and holidays, or haven’t talked to in years. As you think back through the course of your life, think of the people who have impacted your development and contributed to the story of who you are today. Have you ever told them or thanked them? Maybe now is the time for a simple text, call, email, conversation, or even a written letter. No matter how distant or awkward it may seem, it will mean a lot to the person on the other end. You know how good it feels to hear from people that you don’t regularly hear from; it can make your day. You have the power to do that for others. All it takes is a little thoughtfulness. And perhaps you will inspire them to do the same for others in their life; talk about a virtuous cycle of gratitude and connection.
Podcast of the Week: Huberman Lab: How to Increase Your Emotional Intelligence
App of the Week: How We Feel
App developed by Dr. Brackett designed to enhance our emotional understanding and well-being
Quote of the Week:
“All learning has an emotional base.” - Plato
I hope you enjoyed reading as much as I enjoyed writing. Until next time… Take care of yourself and take care of each other. 🙏
Nathan